"We're having an issue with alcohol in the dorms..."

Dear concerned citizen,

This, I can guarantee, is no issue, just a miscommunication. This encounter you've had with alcohol was no issue. Rather it was a party that you were not invited to. Obviously, I can see your concern. Who doesnt want to be invited to a party!? The "issue" lies in your approach to the situation. And thus I am obligated to spell it out for you.

Here you go:
-People have a party.
-People don't know you. And thus you are not invited to said party.
-People drink and have fun.
-You become disgruntled that you are not invited to join in such a joyous occasion.
-BLAME THE LIBATIONS (Obviously, its the libations that make the occasion joyous. If the occasion weren't joyous, you wouldn't be jealous, right!?)

Now, here's the real issue. You attack this all wrong! See? Now the party people hate you because you dis their party juice and try to take their fun away. Why would that make them want you to join them!? It doesn't! Which is why you don't get to party! So quit being a dick! Chill the heck out. Get yourself a drink and have some fun. Got it? Good. No more issues.